Bridges Girl

Wow, twitter has had a serious negative effect on my blogging.  Those damn little 140 characters are just so quick and easy. 

I’m doing well.  The big news this week is I let my old bra’s go.  I know, it’s been over 8 months now, but I loved my bra’s.  They were so pretty, so expensive, I hate to have them just go away.  But it was very therapeutic and a bigger deal that you might think.  It was the last step in letting go of the old me, accepting the new me. 

So moving forward, I’m planning on getting into Victoria’s Secret and finding some new pretty bras.  I’m done with these old post-op bra’s.  They just remind me of surgery and are so ugly.  I need some pretty things.  Although, I tried on one bra that I had that fits and it was lace.  OUCH.  No lacy bra’s yet.  That super sensitive part between them is just too much. 

AND the ultrasound, it looked okay.  I talked to the doc in NY and he doesn’t seem worried about them.  We’ll keep watching them.  One of my wonderful nurse cousins looked at it and concurred with the doctor in Wenatchee that I saw and thought it was a ridge of an implant. 

The other new thing that really sucks is I tried to swim last weekend.  I mean, I’m not going to drown or anything but swimming isn’t going to be the same for a bit.  That’s a hard one for me to take.  It is such a part of my life, something I REALLY love to do.   To have that hindered even in the slightest would kill me but this was pretty bad.  I guess this summer I’ll just do a lot of dipping in and then reading in the sunshine.  Luckily, reading is not hindered.  J 

On Friday after the MRI I got “the call”  They want to look at those left side lumps I have been complaining about.  They are going to take a look at the Ultrasound I had done a couple of months ago and compare.  I hate this feeling.  It is the most horrible sick feeling.  I just want to hear back, I just want it over with so I can deal with it and move on.  It’s the waiting, the unknown that kills you.

Today I go back to where they told me I have cancer.  This time, very little breast tissue, hopefully.  I was looking forward to seeing what was left.  Now, I’m getting nervous.  It seems heavy to go back there.  Very emotional now that I get close (just an hour away)  I want to put it off.  I want to pretend it’s fine and just ignore the feelings.  But they are there.  My favorite lyrics, “Let the rain of what I feel right now fall down.  Let the rain fall down.  That comforts me.  It calms me.  Feel it and let it go.  Let me be scared, let me ache.  I’ll come through it stronger.  My heart feels heavy like a weight sits on it.  I want to scream and cry, please let them not say something bad.  Please don’t let them say stay for a minute, we have to check something.  Please don’t let them want to do an ultrasound “just to check.”  I never want to feel that way again.  The constant fear, the constant sick feeling when they have to check again.  The wait, you aren’t done feeling.  Not so fast, not routine.  It’s never routine with me. 

Come on Amy, just let the rain fall down.  Let the rain fall down. 

I feel like I am living two lives.  The weekends and times I am in Wenatchee, I am completely me.  When I come over to work I feel lifeless.  Maybe it’s just a transition that I have to get used to.  I do all the things I normally do at home when I am here.  I run, I work out, I eat dinner, I clean up, I read.  But it just doesn’t feel real.  Maybe there is so much disconnect from “real” life back at home that I have no zest.  All the loved ones, all the life happening around me is missing.  I thought with L that it would be missing her, not getting to see her things like soccer or saying goodnight.  But it’s more than that.  I feel disconnected from her life.  I don’t feel like I am a part of it, more just someone who vaguely knows what is going on and loves her from afar.  I know when I am there, I am there.  But I still don’t grasp what is going on and feel like I am constantly trying to play catch up with what is going on at home.  This has definitely been harder than I thought, in more ways than just that.  Little things, like going through the mail, is piling up on me.  I am forgetting more and more things.  What I need to bring over, what I am supposed to be doing when, what L has going on. 

I feel so disconnected with everyone.  Even there, something isn’t quite right.  I wonder how much of this is the same as people on swing shifts go through.  I feel I have two lives and they are adding up to not much of a full life at all.   

Going to post a couple you missed.

I have been meaning to write this post for over a week now but I just get so busy I never end up getting to it.  I am just about pain free now.  Seems like I got to that 6 month point and everything got a whole lot better. 

So instead, the weirdest thing is happening.  My right side is getting cold.  Not cold to me but cold to the touch.  I knew that they would but the left isn’t yet.  Weird huh?  And it feels weird cold.  Probably like you would think a dead body would.  Creepy.  I’m sure I’ll get used to it, just not quite there yet.

But I am getting much more used to them.  I rarely think about them now, even though this morning I almost pulled one trying to reach for the alarm snooze button.  (As I type that, thinking I never really knew how snooze was spelled before.  Maybe because every time I see it I am half asleep.)  

Next week I have a 6 month MRI.  That will be kind of exciting, see what everything looks like and how much breast tissue is left.  Might find out about those left side lumps.  I guess I’ll have to start writing about living in two places now that the surgery thing is settling down.

Today was a big day.  I went commando and wore a dress bra-less.  YIKES!  It was strange.  There is a comfort that comes with my big surgical bra’s, full coverage, nothing is going anywhere.  It also let’s my muscles have a break and not do all the work of holding these puppies up all the time.  I only got about an hour before it started hurting a bit.  I’ll have to go the same way in my bridesmaid dress, hopefully I can make it all day but I might need a back up plan.  My friend at church today reminded me that I could always wear a little tank top under a v-neck and at least have a bit more coverage and support. 

The weirdest thing was though that you can’t feel the fabric.  I feel the section between without fabric and there is nothing there.  But then if the fabric gapes, there is no feeling.  It makes one paranoid, that’s for sure.  The good thing was that I felt very “pretty” and girly.  The dress was great on me and I felt like a woman again.  I haven’t had that feeling in a long time.  It really suits my body type.  I’ll have to get more used to the v-neck look. 

If you follow my facebook, you’ve seen some teasers of me heading West.  As soon as I know more, you will know more.  So hang in there.  If you want to know and just can’t wait, well, not a whole lot I can do about that.

As for the girls.  I went in to the ER last week with some serious breast pain that wrapped around to my back.  Interesting enough it was my left side.  I might be over doing it on the working out and running.  Last week I also started a new work out and a new running schedule.  It is feeling great to work out so hard mentally.  I just need to take it a bit slower as much as I hate to.  It’s hard that my legs can go faster, my lungs can handle it, it’s just the dang pec muscles that are all out of wack.  It’s hard to explain what happens.  They start to twitch, then tighten.  It’s very uncomfortable.  Then it starts to be painful.  I have those little pains that are in particular spots.  This last time, it was a different pain.  It was under the nipple.  Which is one of those weird things I don’t get.  Why I have pain in an area that is mostly numb is beyond me.  Oh well, I guess I just deal.

Sometimes I forget.  Today I watched some tennis and actually thought, hmm, that would be fun.  Yeah, I can’t play tennis.  I can’t wait until this is a distant memory.  You wouldn’t believe how much it effects my life.

Everything is up in the air right now at work.  I know it doesn’t seem related but it is.  It is all learning me, and I am an idea person.  I come up with ideas, solutions, everything happens in my head.  I am always looking for a better way to do something, an alternative.  Right now, the problem is I don’t feel listened to so everything is just building inside me to the point of it being painful.  I am so lost, lost in my head and I really hate that.  I feel trapped in there if I’m not being listened to.  Wow, that was profound so just let me sit with that for a second.  That is exactly what is happening.  That’s why I went to the beach in Florida for hours the night I decided to have surgery.  I needed to clear my thoughts.  I have so many all the time and when something big is happening, I look at it from every single possible angle and it builds up too much.  Then I am just trapped.  Imprisoned in my mind.  Unable to break out of all of those ideas and have some clarity.  Maybe I just need to spend time alone if no one is listening to me.  Maybe I need to take some time.  Just be with myself and my thoughts. 

I am listening to classical music and it is actually really helping relax me.  The music is touching me in a way that is really comforting.  So of course as I say that they start playing something really fast and annoying.  Something Can Can type.  It’s not helping now.  Guess it has to be the right song